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Posted on 11/29/13 8:05:20 AM | Show thread starter's posts only

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

Posted on 11/29/13 11:11:49 AM | Show thread starter's posts only

A small business owner was dismayed when a brand new corporate chain much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST BLACK FRIDAY DEALS. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST BLACK FRIDAY PRICES. The small business owner panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... MAIN ENTRANCE.

Posted on 11/29/13 2:58:38 PM | Show thread starter's posts only

With the success of Viagra, many new performance drugs for men go into development:

--PROJECTRA: Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

--COMPLIMENTRA: In clinical trials, 82% of middle-aged men noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

--BUYAGRA: Married men report a sudden urge to buy their wives gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be ascertained: whether the results extend to not minding when women spend money on themselves.

--ANTI-AGRA: Promises the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on U.S. Senators.

--NOSPORTAGRA: This drug makes men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

--FLATULAGRA: This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases into air freshener.

--FLYAGRA: This drug shows great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder).

--LIAGRA: This drug helps men lie more successfully when asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Political Strength versions.

Posted on 11/29/13 4:34:19 PM | Show thread starter's posts only

Edited by 1Coopers1(89409279) at 11-29-2013 04:36 PM

The elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents.
Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box for their entire 50 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?"
The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that she had an affair, she had placed an egg in the box. The pastor felt that 3 affairs in 50 years was forgivable , so he asked her what the $100 was for.
She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1.

Posted on 11/29/13 10:51:01 PM | Show thread starter's posts only

Edited by FirstLady2013 at 11-30-2013 06:06 AM

11-29-13 Awarded #180

#181 - 1st Poster - Alexochol - 2 Reputation Points
#182 - 2nd Poster -  [backcolor=rgb(229, 237, 242)]Frosty460 - 2 Reputation Points
#183 - 3rd Poster - DarkMistry - 2 Reputation Points
#184 - 4th Poster - [backcolor=rgb(229, 237, 242)](84303728) - 2 Reputation Points
#185 - 5th Poster - Lordy Lord- 2 Reputation Points
# Best Joke - #183 -  [backcolor=rgb(229, 237, 242)]DarkMistry -  2 Karma + 4 Reputation Points ( Consumer Selection )
# Best Joke - #181 - alexochol -  2 Karma + 4 Repuation Points  ( IGG Selection )


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Posted on 11/30/13 12:45:01 AM | Show thread starter's posts only

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that is on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Honey, It's me."
"Are you at the club?"
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" "What's the price?"
"Only $1,800.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $80,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great!, before we hang up, something else..."
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $750,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover it..."
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $720,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye... I do too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "DOES ANYONE KNOW WHO THIS PHONE BELONGS TO?"

Posted on 11/30/13 12:57:17 AM | Show thread starter's posts only

Traveling down the interstate & needing to use the restroom, I stopped at a rest area
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom & I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Do in' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite * end the conversation. I tell them
"No..I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions

Posted on 11/30/13 5:33:25 AM | Show thread starter's posts only

During a recent hot spell in the UK, an Irishman collapsed on the street. Immediately a crowd gathered and began offering suggestions.

"Give the poor man a drink of whiskey," a little old lady said.

"Give him some air," a man cried out.

"Give him some whiskey," she cried again.

Several other suggestions were made and the victim suddenly sat up and shouted, "Will all of you shut up and listen to the little old lady?"

Posted on 11/30/13 12:15:17 PM | Show thread starter's posts only

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

Posted on 11/30/13 1:40:41 PM | Show thread starter's posts only

Crap. Remember guys that you can only give 3 4 or 5 favor to each post and not 2 like I did. Sorry!