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Posted on 12/10/13 10:18:28 AM | Show thread starter's posts only

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

Posted on 12/10/13 10:18:50 AM | Show thread starter's posts only

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Posted on 12/10/13 10:19:22 AM | Show thread starter's posts only

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Posted on 12/10/13 11:56:03 AM | Show thread starter's posts only

An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close.

He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time and falls again. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Outside, he tries to stand up and falls flat again. He gives up and crawls the four blocks to his house, crawls up the stairs and pulls himself into bed.

The next morning, his wife stands over him shouting, "So, you've been out boozing again!"

"What makes you say that?" he asks, putting on an innocent face.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

Posted on 12/10/13 7:28:18 PM | Show thread starter's posts only

:(:D 50000000mi

Posted on 12/10/13 7:28:35 PM | Show thread starter's posts only


Posted on 12/10/13 7:29:08 PM | Show thread starter's posts only

:D mil500000000

Posted on 12/10/13 7:54:14 PM | Show thread starter's posts only


Posted on 12/10/13 10:16:29 PM | Show thread starter's posts only


Posted on 12/10/13 11:52:13 PM | Show thread starter's posts only

At a job interview, the HR person asked this question to a female applicant:

Suppose a male co-worker you are standing next to says "Your hair smells very nice today, Amy", would you consider that sexual harrassment?

Amy: "Oh no. Never. It's just a compliment."

HR: "Even if that co-worker is a midget?"